JUST NO: Elle January 2014

This is apparently some British stylist, who has styled herself in an ugly sweater, high water paisley pants, and slouchy socks with open-toed heels.  No.  No no no.  There is literally no yes here.

GENERAL SNARKINESS: Elle January 2014

Dust off your "Reality Bites" VHS tape, because everything Winona Ryder wore in the 90's is back again!  I have to say I'm amused that all of the "futuristic" late 80's/early 90's stuff is suddenly back, making their predictions of future fashion true in the weirdest way possible.  Also, I actually like the coat, but please don't wear it with these clompy menswear shoes.  Wear it with something light and fun instead!

GENERAL SNARKINESS: Elle January 2014

So I read this and, as an owner of concert tshirts, I was actually very curious about how to reincarnate them.  I flipped directly tp age 52 and found...

...and as you can see, there are no concert tees and no reincarnations thereof.  I can only assume we are supposed to read "graphic tees" and fill in band logos on top of that Marc Jacob's Coca Cola-esque cashmere shirt.

This is actually very typical of Elle.  I can't do a "Cover Uncovered" post for them because I can never find anything inside the magazine that seems to fit what they proclaim on the cover even with the assistance of the Table of Contents "On the Cover" section.  I've decided that the text on the cover is for another month and they are waiting to see how long it takes anyone to notice.

REDONKULOUS SHOES: Elle January 2014

Celine is quickly establishing itself as the fashion house source for dowdy shoes.  Check out these clodhoppers, er, I mean, "knit sneakers" for the low low price of only $750.  I haven't cracked open the latest Vogue yet, but I assume I'll be seeing these again paired with a Proenza Schouler ballgown made out of grandma's curtains.

GENERAL SNARKINESS: Elle January 2014

It's a skirt with lots of...string.  It's a cat's dream.  Mine wouldn't let me leave the house in it!

And not a single mention on this page that the model is wearing the Olympic logo on her feet.  I thought it was some kind of tie-n or homage and looked for more info, but...crickets.

COMPLETELY RANDOM: Elle January 2014

Every once in awhile, I've heard friends wishing they could sketch out a dream outfit and have someone make it for them.  Now it seems there's a company that does it!  They are called BYCO and they'll do all the sourcing and stitching for you, at whatever level (just one, samples, production line) that you want.

Elle had a contest to pick someone's design to have them make.  I have no idea why this annoying jumpsuit won (I guess it is better in black where I can pretend there's no pleats), but they used it to demonstrate BYCO's process:

WANT: Marie Claire January 2014

Now I need to not only find a replacement brown leather coat, but also a blue one!

REDONKULOUS SHOES: Marie Claire January 2014

Hahaha!  I see what you did there, Marie Claire!  It's a ball, you'll be walking on it as a heel, very clever!  I'd actually like to see all the angles on this one - it's gotta look better than the column heels.

OMGWTFBBQ: Marie Claire January 2014

I mentioned recently that I just don't "get" Proenza Schouler.  I've never been a huge fan, and as the seasons go by I "get" them less and less.  I mean, look at the ensemble above.  They literally dressed this girl in a rug.  A very unattractive rug that I would assume smells like the Moroccan bazaar it was "inspired" from.  It's neither pretty nor flattering.  There's some sort of dress beneath it, but I can't see it, and the shoes are like double platforms or something which...no idea.

And then there's this:

This is just so stupid I can't even talk about it.  Can you imagine paying $2250 for an ill-fitting shirt with a baggy-waisted skirt and random unusable pockets sewed on top of it?  It makes me think of Michael Kors on Project Runway, talking about bad home-sewers.

GENERAL SNARKINESS: Marie Claire January 2014

Well, it's definitely not "prim" since you can't wear any underwear with it.  I guess keep your knees together and be mindful of where that thigh-high slit is at all times!

REDONKULOUS SHOES: Marie Claire January 2014

This is what the 80's fascination has wrought: fugly heels in an "athletic mesh" style.  I can't even bear to look at it.

I've been wondered what had happened to Pucci in the past couple years, that they went from something with a style I could immediately pick out to being like "Pucci, really?" when they were mentioned.  This article explained it to me - it's this Peter Dundas guy's fault.  Displayed next to the godawful shoes is one of the stupidest fashion designer quotes I've read in a long time.  Please, tell me all about this "modern" "rock-and-roll" "rule-breaker" who is also "dignified and noble"!

OMGWTFBBQ: Marie Claire January 2014

I knew it couldn't last.  I knew a decent Marc Jacobs purse was a rare thing indeed, and he'd soon be back to his regularly scheduled fugly bag program.  And here we have proof of it - a $2495 terry-cloth purse that we're told "meshes surfer-cool with Victorian elegance."  My reaction to this purple prose:  Terry-cloth!?!?  Bwhahahahahaha!

I think buying into the painted purse trend would be a wiser choice, and it's a $100 cheaper!

GOOD ADVICES: Marie Claire January 2014

True story:  You cannot help but wrinkle linen if you wear it for any amount of time.  Another true story is that satin is the same way.  If you see a celebrity wearing satin on the red carpet, know that she had to lay down in the limo on the way over to the venue.  Something to keep in mind when choosing clothes for special occasions.

GENERAL SNARKINESS: Marie Claire January 2014

Seems like every month this column annoys me, when I really want to love it.  The editorial choices are great - I would almost always wear anything they show.  Unfortunately the author continues to not practice what she preaches and it is driving me insane.  Here she says to go bold with graphic prints and statement jewelry, which is not exactly new and refreshing advice for plus size women, but okay.  In her photo, she's in black and beige with no patterns and you can't see any jewelry.  If the purse is supposed to stand out as a graphic, it fails because it's the same colors as her clothes.  So does she ever wear anything she's promoting?

The answer is yes, when it's something she designed and wants to sell you as one of her "picks."  It looks beige and plain here, but it's a light pink and quilted on the site, where it retails for $208.  I hope it is super successful, she leaves the column, and they hire someone better like the last girl.

GENERAL SNARKINESS: Marie Claire January 2014

So I'm groovin' on this page, enjoying the pink theme, and I see they've included a tablet but hey it's a "power" page, and then I see the chair.  That $3000 chair doesn't look like a "power" chair at all.  If I sat in it, I'd feel less "powerful" than "ripped off."  EDITORIAL FAIL.

Also, any of the watches at the bottom of the page would make a lovely gift for me, in case you were wondering.

GOOD ADVICES: Marie Claire January 2014

There's some really good stuff here, especially that first one.  You have to build trust before anyone will give you a major assignment, and trust takes time and consistency.  Every new job you get will start you off with trust-building assignments, so it's something you'll do repeatedly.

More good stuff, though that third one really confused me until I read the part about her working for a fitness app.

This is the one part I couldn't really relate to, because it seems to assume you'll be meeting with other women only.  Women who want to hang out in swimsuits together after their mani/pedis.  Another instance where the writers are just out of touch with the rest of the world.

ADD IT UP: Marie Claire January 2014

Instead of, say, contributing to a few movie Kickstarters, you can buy this purse for $1290 and Max Mara will donate 20% ($258) of it to their own charity to celebrate "women in film."  Last year's big winner was an actress you have probably never heard of!  (She was in "True Grit" and "Enders Game.")  What a giver you would be!

GENERAL SNARKINESS: Marie Claire January 2014

There's just so much to snark about with this look from the Prada runway.  First of all, I really like the dress that for some ungodly reason Prada obscured with one of their weird sequin bra things just like they did on the happiest coat in the world.  I really just don't understand the bra things, and they put them on top of pretty much every look this season.  I have decided to call them "circus bras."  But it's really the footwear that amuses me here - "a take on Tevas" which I guess is the new birkenstock, paired with "footless socks."  I'm sorry, I can't stop laughing when I think about wearing Tevas with legwarmers!

COMPLETELY RANDOM: Marie Claire January 2014

First thought when I read this Lucy Lui quote:  Am I supposed to use that hammer to build something, or to smack my rivals over the head with???  I'm not accusing Lucy of anything, it just paints such an amusing picture in my head!

Also, thanks for the deep thoughts "supermodel" Cara Delevingne.

WANT: Marie Claire January 2014

They had me at "inspired by a bag of potato chips"!

ADVERT: Marie Claire January 2014

I find most pop star perfume ads to be hysterically funny, because they all end up looking like this:  ridiculously overprocessed.  But this one in particular made me actually laugh out loud when I saw it.  It's called "Killer Queen" and story-wise it appears that Katy Perry murdered the king (her husband? just a random king whose land she liked?) while wearing a red corset with matching tutu and ballet stripper heels, then perched precariously upon his overturned throne to take this shot.  A shot that is pretty obviously pieced together from at least two photos judging by the way her head seems off, which means that may not even be her body on which they've strangely elongated her limbs.  Bonus points for adding the perfume bottle to her scepter!

OMGWTFBBQ: Vogue January 2014

Remember that crazy Fendi fur keychain from Christmas?  It's back, it's HUGE, and it brought an angry owl purse friend!

GENERAL SNARKINESS: Vogue January 2014

If I saw this $3400 backpack on the street, I would think it was an art project.  I'm tempted to buy some old backpacks at Salvation Army and some spray paint, and have my girlfriends over this weekend to make distressed "Chanel" bags!

OMGWTFBBQ: Vogue January 2014

Let me translate Vogue-ese for you:  "Radical transparency" means "you cannot ever sit down in this."  I'm all for showing more artistic ensembles from certain designers that are perhaps not wearable, but I'm bored by see-through for shock value.  I'm looking for ideas for real life, not editor attempts to be "edgy."  Even worse, this "edgy" attempt distracts from a more interesting piece: the boxy menswear jacket in a feminine color.  Just...sigh.

ADD IT UP: Vogue January 2014

Cute matching "steal" sweater and skirt from Target: $65.  Ugly collar that looks silly with sweater: $180.  Oh, Vogue, you'll never change.

WANT: Vogue January 2014

Marilyn Monroe's character in "Gentleman Prefer Blondes" is always excited to find new places to wear diamonds; I'm always excited to find new styles of watches.  Sometimes new styles are crazy or really hard to read or just silly, but this is a simple one I think I could get behind.  I'll take all the colors!

GENERAL SNARKINESS: Vogue January 2014

I loves me some McQueen, and I like these heels just fine, but not with this adorable dress.  They certainly don't coordinate and they don't "go" either.  Too dark and too much dark - they bring the whole thing down.  It looks like she got dressed in the darkness of the back of that cave.  Boy, won't she be embarrassed when she steps out of it and finds out she put on the wrong shoes!

I do give them props for putting the Prada bracelets I posted about a few weeks back with the dress.  Truly, this is a perfect outfit from mid-calf up.

GENERAL SNARKINESS: Vogue January 2014

I love this Lanvin gown, which you see they've paired with some sneakers so she looks sporty.  But who is it that made these wonderful shoes???

Vogue doesn't think Converse shoes are worthy of mentioning.  But now we know the wiener dog's name is Dexter.

GENERAL SNARKINESS: Vogue January 2014

In her editor's letter, Anna Wintour said the skirt in this photo represented Proenza Schouler inventing a new kind of pleat.  I don't think they invented anything that a bad home sewer hasn't before.  The more years go by, the less I "get" Proenza Schouler.  Vogue continues to tirelessly promote them.  And don't get me started on the Celine "crushed metal bracelets" that look like a kindergartner's paper project.  I don't "get" Celine anymore either.

Also of note, the entire spread this was in featured these granny platforms.  We apparently needed six photos of how to wear them.

OMGWTFBBQ: Vogue January 2014

Let me say that the sequined image on this "pullover" is gorgeous.  That having been said, "pullover" my @$$.  It looks like a teenager who can't sew took a pretty napkin and pinned it on a tank top to wear.  I guess technically you "pull" it "over" your head to wear it.  Way to take something gorgeous and make it into the ridiculous.

HISTORICALLY INCLINED: Vogue January 2014

A 300 year old china pattern, with a delightful twist.  I'll take a few of each of the colors, so I can mix and match!

REDONKULOUS SHOES: Vogue January 2014

Beyond the fact that these heels shoot right past silly (which can be fun) directly to stupid, I just can't get past how ugly these look on the feet.  I can see giving it a go in the design phase ("hey, let's try making a column into a heel!") but I can't see anyone looking at that and thinking it worked.  I've seen this pair in mags before, but I don't think I've seen 'em on a foot.  For a reason, obviously.

WANT: Vogue January 2014

I love the Prada coat on the right - so bright and happy with the rainbow of sparkles!  I cannot say the same for the bra...thing...that Prada put on top of it and other ensembles, both on the runway and in their ads.  Just silly, and (spoiler alert!) it won't be the last time you'll see it.  So blot it out of your mind, and concentrate on the joy that is the coat underneath.

FASHION NEPOTISM: Vogue January 2014

This lady's design partner just happens to be a former Vogue fashion writer, and Vogue claims she's designed a pair of non-jeans that are "divinely proportioned, possessed of a sublime slouch, [that] are meant to capture the idea of workwear."  Let me translate that into regular person-ese:  She's made poorly fitting pants out of rich people fabrics inspired by what poor people wear.  And you can own them for a mere $415 - don't all run out at once!

An extra bit of snark:  She claims to have been inspired by Rick Owens and Comme des Garcons.  Of course she was.

HISTORICALLY INCLINED: Vogue January 2014

Makeup based off actual history and art!  Vogue does an awesome job of showing the inspirations for the Dior line, and relating it all to Dior history.  So cool to see it all pulled together like this!

ICONOGRAPHY: Vogue January 2014

Karen is my favorite model working in fashion these days.  She's gorgeous, of course, a classic beauty, smart in interviews, has great style, and most importantly she shows personality in her photos!  (So many models don't these days with their one facial expression.  I'm looking at you, gap-toothed girls with your mouth-breathing pose.)  As you can see, Vogue agrees with me by declaring her one of the "models who matter."  She's also the one who proved to me that natural blondes with fair skin can easily pull off red, so if you like my current hair color you have her to thank!

COMPLETELY RANDOM: Vogue sent me a subscription gift!

Here it is, my wondrous Vogue purse, sent to me as a gift-with-subscription!  This is actually the second time I've received it - they were mailing out the same one a few years back when I subscribed.  I don't have that one anymore, so you'll have to trust me that this one is slightly less lop-sided and the croc plastic is less sticky.

I seriously have no idea why they send these out.  Can you imagine anyone who reads Vogue carrying this thing, either 4-5 years ago or now?  Straight into the donation bag this goes!

WANT: Marie Claire December 2013

Lookie here!  The Marc Jacobs I saw in Elle a few weeks ago is available in two colors, both of which I am obviously in desperate need!

Also, cute background idea that you can still see the purse on top of.  Good job, Marie Claire!

GENERAL SNARKINESS: Marie Claire December 2013

I really want to love this column like I used to.  I usually do love the style choices.  But this newer "girl" I do not like.  The previous "girl" (whose name sadly escapes me) would practice what she preached in the photo, and didn't write boring drivel telling larger women to accessorize more.  In this issue, other than the accessory thing, she's instructing her readers to wear "bright jewel tones, twinkling embellishments, gilded trimmings, lacy overlay."  These sort of things are shown to the right, and they look lovely.  In her photo she's monochrome wearing none of the above.  SHOW, DON'T TELL.  I will give her that it's a cute photo, and maybe she was just desperate to publish it, but still.

BACKSTORY: Marie Claire December 2013

Eventually I wonder if these Chanel posts will tell the entire story of Coco's life, like a biography with lots of pretty pictures.

Also, I have fallen in love with that lion brooch.  It's just fascinating, very modern but a call back to the classic.  I'll take one, please!

COMPLETELY RANDOM: Marie Claire December 2013

Confession: I'm posting this because I like sparkly objects (natural blonde!) and it has a photo Jonathan Rhys Meyers from "Velvet Goldmine."  That's, um, pretty much it.  Go go sparkles!

NO IDEA: Marie Claire December 2013

I seriously am not sure what's going on here with this "New Vintage" thing.  First I thought they were producing copies of stylish vintage clothes to sell in Tommy Hilfiger's store.  But maybe they are just putting vintage clothes this Cameron Silver guy finds in the stores?  If that's the case, Urban Outfitters was doing that years ago, so it's not exactly all that innovative.  In summation, they need to be more specific as to whether these clothes are "new" or "vintage" because they seriously can't be both.