GENERAL SNARKINESS: Harper's Bazaar February 2014

A couple of repeats from other mags, where we can get a better look at the pieces.  This one's a paparazzi's flasher dream.  I'm intrigued by the shoes they paired with this - perfect color, but held together with white shoelaces?

And here's those Celine bracelets that from afar looked like a 5 year old made them out of paper.  I guess they look more metallic up close, but still rather silly.  Especially for $1500 apiece.  I also love that there's a $2100 Celine top listed for this photo that you cannot see!

GENERAL SNARKINESS: Harper's Bazaar February 2014

This is Bazaar's fashion horror story:  "We are in Bazaar's storied fashion closet, the place where women's dreams live.  But mine are dying.  We're standing in front of a shelf filled with...flats.  Which I am supposed to, in theory, put on my feet."  Dun dun DUN!!!

I have to say, in a business where everything changes season to season on purpose to sell more goods, I have never seen people freak out more about anything in my lifetime than trading in their heels for flats.  They aren't attached at all to a skirt or sleeve length or a type of pant leg, but heaven forfend they have to give up the 6 inch stilts they've gotten used to tottering around on!

I read this to the end so you don't have to:  She somehow survives "even though the ground is closer than it should be," and realizes that flats are acceptable for wearing around hotels.

GENERAL SNARKINESS: Harper's Bazaar February 2014

And now the page everyone looks forward to in Bazaar - this month's "Outs"!  I'm sorry to tell you ladies (and a few gents), but you are going to have to give up your plastic stripper heels.  Bazaar has spoken, and you cannot go against it.  Also, sorry Carrie from SATC, but you have to ditch your famous necklace.

In case you were curious about the rest of the page, we've gone from "safari" to "tribal."  Great.

GENERAL SNARKINESS: Lucky February 2014

This is Lucky's idea of "provocative" decor, with the "suggestive" framed photo.  The "rebelliousness" of this actress-screenwriter I've never heard of is further proven by this:

I bet she wears her Alexander McQueen skull scarf everywhere she goes!

But Lucky buries the lede on the decor of this house so far, they don't even mention it.  This is rebellious unknown actress/screenwriter's dining room:

Not a single word is mentioned about the fact that she has two taxidermied flamingos in her hot pink dining room.  The one element that's truly crazy and "wild," and not a peep.  I mean, where do you even get stuffed flamingos?

GENERAL SNARKINESS: Lucky February 2014

Lucky helpfully shows you how to wear polka dots, and how not to wear polka dots!  Naomi looks good in the "vintage shot" (though those are PJ's and I'm still officially against wearing PJ's out).  The middle two outfits are perfect, mixing the dots with neutral textures and accent colors.  The outfit to the right is the "not" - don't mix two polka dots together to comprise the entire ensemble.  One or the other would be fine with a neutral (except the pants could use a hemming), but both together is just way too much look.

Also on the page, a shoe from Sarah Jessica Parker's line, if you care about that.  It's not exactly original, but it's very wearable and I appreciate that.

GENERAL SNARKINESS: Lucky February 2014

Here's a "tell" that shows Zoe Saldana had nothing to do with choosing her own "favorite" things:  the mag informs you that she liked that shirt on the right "so much she kept it."  I guess it's a new favorite.

This issue of Lucky is all about stuff under $500, and I like that all of this stuff together is below that.  I just have serious doubts Zoe had any idea what she "picked."

GENERAL SNARKINESS: Elle January 2014

I was not kidding when I said everything from this season's Prada has the stupid bra thing.  The lucky ensembles have it as a separate accessory.  Sadly, this dress was not so lucky.

I have to say I love the colors, though, and the shoes are perfect!

GENERAL SNARKINESS: Elle January 2014

Elle is trying to make "LWS" happen.  I think it has less of a chance than "fetch" does.  But they don't have much of a chance when they use photos like this:

If you squint, you might see a hint of white below her neck.  In other words, it's not showing what the entire spread is supposed to be about, which is white shirts.  It's a great photo - with positioning and the black leather and the cross earring I'm getting George Michael flashbacks - and I understand why they wanted to include it.  I'm assuming this was the favorite of the fashion editor, and I admire the gumption of including it even as I mock it for even being in this spread in the first place.

GENERAL SNARKINESS: Elle January 2014

A $1340 pleather purse for all those vegan bikers you know.  I assume those little stick things are supposed to be matches, but there's no fire here.

GENERAL SNARKINESS: Elle January 2014

Dust off your "Reality Bites" VHS tape, because everything Winona Ryder wore in the 90's is back again!  I have to say I'm amused that all of the "futuristic" late 80's/early 90's stuff is suddenly back, making their predictions of future fashion true in the weirdest way possible.  Also, I actually like the coat, but please don't wear it with these clompy menswear shoes.  Wear it with something light and fun instead!

GENERAL SNARKINESS: Elle January 2014

So I read this and, as an owner of concert tshirts, I was actually very curious about how to reincarnate them.  I flipped directly tp age 52 and found...

...and as you can see, there are no concert tees and no reincarnations thereof.  I can only assume we are supposed to read "graphic tees" and fill in band logos on top of that Marc Jacob's Coca Cola-esque cashmere shirt.

This is actually very typical of Elle.  I can't do a "Cover Uncovered" post for them because I can never find anything inside the magazine that seems to fit what they proclaim on the cover even with the assistance of the Table of Contents "On the Cover" section.  I've decided that the text on the cover is for another month and they are waiting to see how long it takes anyone to notice.

GENERAL SNARKINESS: Elle January 2014

It's a skirt with lots of...string.  It's a cat's dream.  Mine wouldn't let me leave the house in it!

And not a single mention on this page that the model is wearing the Olympic logo on her feet.  I thought it was some kind of tie-n or homage and looked for more info, but...crickets.

GENERAL SNARKINESS: Marie Claire January 2014

Well, it's definitely not "prim" since you can't wear any underwear with it.  I guess keep your knees together and be mindful of where that thigh-high slit is at all times!

GENERAL SNARKINESS: Marie Claire January 2014

Seems like every month this column annoys me, when I really want to love it.  The editorial choices are great - I would almost always wear anything they show.  Unfortunately the author continues to not practice what she preaches and it is driving me insane.  Here she says to go bold with graphic prints and statement jewelry, which is not exactly new and refreshing advice for plus size women, but okay.  In her photo, she's in black and beige with no patterns and you can't see any jewelry.  If the purse is supposed to stand out as a graphic, it fails because it's the same colors as her clothes.  So does she ever wear anything she's promoting?

The answer is yes, when it's something she designed and wants to sell you as one of her "picks."  It looks beige and plain here, but it's a light pink and quilted on the site, where it retails for $208.  I hope it is super successful, she leaves the column, and they hire someone better like the last girl.

GENERAL SNARKINESS: Marie Claire January 2014

So I'm groovin' on this page, enjoying the pink theme, and I see they've included a tablet but hey it's a "power" page, and then I see the chair.  That $3000 chair doesn't look like a "power" chair at all.  If I sat in it, I'd feel less "powerful" than "ripped off."  EDITORIAL FAIL.

Also, any of the watches at the bottom of the page would make a lovely gift for me, in case you were wondering.

GENERAL SNARKINESS: Marie Claire January 2014

There's just so much to snark about with this look from the Prada runway.  First of all, I really like the dress that for some ungodly reason Prada obscured with one of their weird sequin bra things just like they did on the happiest coat in the world.  I really just don't understand the bra things, and they put them on top of pretty much every look this season.  I have decided to call them "circus bras."  But it's really the footwear that amuses me here - "a take on Tevas" which I guess is the new birkenstock, paired with "footless socks."  I'm sorry, I can't stop laughing when I think about wearing Tevas with legwarmers!

GENERAL SNARKINESS: Vogue January 2014

If I saw this $3400 backpack on the street, I would think it was an art project.  I'm tempted to buy some old backpacks at Salvation Army and some spray paint, and have my girlfriends over this weekend to make distressed "Chanel" bags!

GENERAL SNARKINESS: Vogue January 2014

I loves me some McQueen, and I like these heels just fine, but not with this adorable dress.  They certainly don't coordinate and they don't "go" either.  Too dark and too much dark - they bring the whole thing down.  It looks like she got dressed in the darkness of the back of that cave.  Boy, won't she be embarrassed when she steps out of it and finds out she put on the wrong shoes!

I do give them props for putting the Prada bracelets I posted about a few weeks back with the dress.  Truly, this is a perfect outfit from mid-calf up.

GENERAL SNARKINESS: Vogue January 2014

I love this Lanvin gown, which you see they've paired with some sneakers so she looks sporty.  But who is it that made these wonderful shoes???

Vogue doesn't think Converse shoes are worthy of mentioning.  But now we know the wiener dog's name is Dexter.

GENERAL SNARKINESS: Vogue January 2014

In her editor's letter, Anna Wintour said the skirt in this photo represented Proenza Schouler inventing a new kind of pleat.  I don't think they invented anything that a bad home sewer hasn't before.  The more years go by, the less I "get" Proenza Schouler.  Vogue continues to tirelessly promote them.  And don't get me started on the Celine "crushed metal bracelets" that look like a kindergartner's paper project.  I don't "get" Celine anymore either.

Also of note, the entire spread this was in featured these granny platforms.  We apparently needed six photos of how to wear them.