TRENDY: Lucky December 2013

Please stop encouraging slouchy beanies.  We don't need any more Manic Pixie Dream Girl wannabes running around town.

The rest of the list is pretty good, though.  I'm hoping a fuzzy scarf would work, because I still love mine.  On the flip side, I'm considering using this list as an excuse to buy a new coat and additional stompy boots.

ADVERT: Lucky December 2013

Will someone let Santa know I deserve this in my stocking?  (Despite the silly color name.)

I'm loving the new textured nail polishes, particularly OPI's Liquid Sand line.  I don't know how other people maintain perfect polish, but I'm lucky if I don't ruin a nail immediately and it rarely lasts more than a couple days.  My OCD just can't take that sort of thing!  The textured polishes not only last longer without chipping, but little touch-ups don't show.

TRENDY: Lucky December 2013

It's not very often you see the phrase "vaguely orthopedic" in a fashion mag.  Lucky tries to explain why every magazine is suddenly showing birkenstock knockoffs as a fall/winter trend.  Personally I think it's less rebellion against the shoe trends of the past few years (impossibly high heels) and more a tacit admission that no one can wear that trend all the time without hurting themselves.  Maybe I should just be happy that I've been accidentally on-trend when I schlep around in my Adidas slides!

GOOD JOB: Lucky December 2013

I read this advice in a fashion mag way way WAY back in college, and have passed along the wisdom to various people since then, usually after they ask me why I'm brushing my lips.  I recommend getting a soft children's toothbrush, be gentle with it, and definitely lip balm immediately.  Do it every day, and rarely will your lips crack or peel.

OMGWTFBBQ: Lucky December 2013

Lucky jumps on the reptile bandwagon everyone else was showing in November, in the ugliest combination I've seen anywhere.  In the very least, they could've found ugly pants that fit!

TRENDY: Lucky December 2013

I do love that fashion editors are having to type the word "sweatshirt" all over the place, like commoners.  Of course, these aren't Walmart sweatshirts - they are fitted, not all fluffy and comfy.  That being said, I would not mind adding the top two to my wardrobe.

WANT: Lucky December 2013

I would like all the book sweaters please, especially the one pictured!

Also, $50 for a cat calendar seems exorbitant.  I mean, I got a whole cat for $25, and she's been hanging around my house posing out for three years now.

COVER UNCOVERED: Lucky December 2013

Plug in your hot rollers, ladies, because big hair is back!

GENERAL SNARKINESS: Harper's Bazaar November 2013

Sing along with me - "Cruella DeVille, Cruella DeVille, if she doesn't scare you, no evil thing will!"

GENERAL SNARKINESS: Harper's Bazaar November 2013

"Elegance With a Dash of Daring" - and this is the only daring part about a spread full of black and white clothes:

Boobies!

Also, the deep thoughts quotes from each of the ladies:
"Boldness, bravery, and fearless fashion.  That's what I consider daring."
"Daring means wearing something I am excited by but not entirely sure of."
"Daring is, quite simply, being out of your comfort zone."
"To dare is to look inside yourself."
"Daring is to dress like a rebel - you can't hurt anybody with your clothes."

OMGWTFBBQ: Harper's Bazaar November 2013

You get Madonna to write her own story about her youthful struggles in 1980's NYC that includes the first mention of a rape at knife-point.  Then you hire Terry Richardson and this is the accompanying photo you get.

TRENDY: Harper's Bazaar November 2013

Or you could go to Hot Topic and buy all of these colors for $35...

GOOD JOB: Harper's Bazaar November 2013

Not exactly an original image, but exquisitely done.  Poster worthy!

WANT: Harper's Bazaar November 2013

I would like this entire photo shipped directly to my house - staircase, chandelier, vase, table, flooring, and of course the Vionnet dress.  Outstanding, every bit of it.

GOOD ADVICES: Harper's Bazaar November 2013

Every once in a while, in the middle of a lot of label name-dropping, you find a bit of excellent advice:  "Accessories can be an easy entree into that elusive dash. 'Start classic and then add one fancy fashionable piece, like a metallic Prada shoe, rather than too many elements.'"  Classic clothing can make you feel secure enough to top it off with a brave accessory, and in fact they will highlight that accessory, making it a conversation piece.

HISTORICALLY INCLINED: Harper's Bazaar November 2013

Something for the history loving folks - a 17th century watch.  I dearly wish I could get over the pond to check this show out!

ADD IT UP: Harper's Bazaar November 2013

Which bra would you prefer to wear out on the street this winter:  the $595 white one, the $330 blue one, or the $1695 pink one?  The mind boggles, doesn't it?

ADVERT: Harper's Bazaar November 2013

This is just such a perfect ad - colorful and eye-catching and it makes me want to go to Zales, of all places.  I would like all the sparklies, please!

MADAME RECOMMENDS: TRESemme Nourishing Rituals Cashmere Touch Hydrating Serum

TRESemme Nourishing Rituals Cashmere Touch Hydrating Serum

The fashion mags are currently full of recommendations for oiling up your hair.  The ones they talk about tend to be around $50 or more, but I found a much cheaper option that contains the same oils (coconut and argan oils).  I have to say, the mag writers are totally are right - it works!  The last time she saw me, my hair stylist immediately asked what new thing I was using.  So give it a whirl!

ICONOGRAPHY: Harper's Bazaar November 2013

More Jane Birkin.  Always Jane Birkin.  British model/actress hooks up with scuzzy-looking French singer back in the 60's, launches a million fashion articles for the next 40 years.  This is probably the prettiest photo of her that exists, but still:  *yawn*

COMPLETELY RANDOM: Jean Paul Gaultier in Harper's Bazaar

Bazaar has a monthly feature in which they ask designers to detail their average day, and I find it oddly fascinating.  This month they picked Jean Paul Gaultier, whose museum show I went to see last year.  In fact, I stuck my ticket to that show onto the original publication of the photo here and stuck that on my wall.  I liked this quote, which is also totally true for me:  "I am not singing but thinking about my work, about fashion.  You get the best and most lucid ideas in the shower or the bathroom.  So I am already working before I get to the office."

WANT: Bazaar November 2013

You know, if you'd said "lets combine shiny silver and pink feathers and those weird curved heels" I would've laughed in your face.  So I have to eat my imaginary words - these are AWESOME and I want them so badly.

REDONKULOUS SHOES: Harper's Bazaar November 2013

Just what you were craving, more extremely expensive birkenstocks!  Beyond that, why so many sandals in these winter issues???

ADD IT UP: Harper's Bazaar November 2013

FYI Bazaar's "well spent dollar" costs $4953.  The cheapest item is the earrings - $150.

TRENDY: Harper's Bazaar November 2013

Alright ladies, you heard 'em - pack up the glitter heels!  True confession:  I have no idea what "glitter heels" are, so that makes it easy for me to toss 'em aside.  Also no clue on "bubble necklaces."

WANT: Harper's Bazaar November 2013

If you'll recall, Elle had a fug pair of Michael Kors python in their November issue.  Bazaar picked an awesome pair from the same collection: modern, just the right amount of python, great for dressing up or down, would look spectacular on my feet...

WANT: Harper's Bazaar November 2013

I will be honest - it's gonna be hard to snark on this month's Bazaar, cuz most of it was pretty awesome.  Like this page.  I would like all of this page shipped directly to me, thanks!

WANT: Elle November 2013

More pajama fashion for you - shiny this time, and for once I think it actually works!  I'd wear this whole page, actually.  Great look!

REDONKULOUS SHOES: Elle November 2013

Remember the futuristic birkenstocks from last month's Elle?  They aren't done trying to sell 'em to you!

REDONKULOUS SHOES: Elle November 2013

See that horizontal like the pattern in the python makes across the platform.  Lopping off the bottom at that line would've made these shoes cute.  Instead, they went with ridiculous and are charging $1600 for it.

WANT: Elle November 2013

I'm in love with this.  Just a little necklace I can wear to work, right?

ADD IT UP: Elle November 2013

If you buy that $4100 "Love Hurts" chair, I will hurt you myself.

ADVERT: Elle November 2013

Cover Girl thinks you want to dress up in Hunger Games "Capitol Style"!  Which if you are familiar with the books/film, in which starving masses long to rise up against their fancily dressed oppressors, is just so weird and bizarre to assume fans aspire to do.  Although I guess making each look inspired by a District means you aspire to dress like a sacrifice, so there's that.

Also, unless you are an 80's club kid, where are you going to wear this?  Check out what it looks like on normal girls!

HISTORICALLY INCLINED: Elle November 2013

How about trying out some historical fashion choices?  Starting at $115, these sandals aren't necessarily cheap, but they are more in reach than most things in this magazine.

GENERAL SNARKINESS: Elle November 2013

Some neo-colonialism for your Thursday morning.

TRENDY: Elle November 2013

If you missed 80's paint splatter, now is the fashion time for you!

REDONKULOUS SHOES: Elle November 2013

Silly Elle!  The November issue is too late to show witch shoes for Halloween!

Though at $1295, I'm not sure any of the witches I know could afford these anyway.

ICONOGRAPHY: Elle November 2013

If you don't regularly read fashion stuff, I doubt you've heard of Jane Birkin.  The fashion world is OBSESSED with her and refer to her constantly, so here's a chance for you to take a gander.  Fun fact:  The famous Hermes Birkin bag is named for her, because she decided one day to have them make a purse to her specs.  You know, as you do.  You, too, can own one, starting at $5000.  Pocket change, right?

REDONKULOUS SHOES: Elle November 2013

$895 clog!  You know, for casual days.

FASHION NEPOTISM: Elle November 2013

When will new designers understand that no real person is going to wear giant bellbottoms that look like they've eaten your feet?  At least this lady's designs show some promise compared to last month's foot-eating-pants designer.  Look, they actually fit the models!  Oh, and peplum!

GOOD JOB: Elle November 2013

If you missed Cameron's TED Talk, here you go:  Looks Aren't Everything, Believe Me I'm A Model

Seriously, mandatory viewing for all who read this.  Click it.

FASHION NEPOTISM: Elle November 2013

Rather than drive over the nearest American Apparel, this lady designed her own bandeau and a cut-off tank top.  For this major accomplishment, they gave her two pages in a national magazine.  I am so totally not kidding.  None of the other clothes in those photos are hers.  I...just...no words.

GOOD JOB: Elle November 2013

I've always kept up an Elle subscription when I've dropped other fashion mags, because of the social and political reporting they do that concentrates on issues important to women.  For example, I knew about the Taliban's suppression of women two years before Afghanistan became a hot topic.  This doesn't stop me from making fun of their overpriced silliness in other areas, obviously, but it's what keeps me coming back.

WANT: Vogue November 2013

Whoever buys me this faux-fur Marc Jacobs stole will be my BFF forever and ever and ever.

HIDE & SEEK: Vogue November 2013

Sometimes, in an effort to create an interesting display for an item, the editor instead creates something that distracts you from it up to the point that it's hard to even see it.  In this case, let's play "find the watch"!

GOOD JOB: Vogue November 2013

Argh!  They are making me like Zooey Deschanel by letting her choose an adorable DVF wrap dress!