WANT: Elle December 2013

You think it's too late to pick this up for NYE parties?

OMGWTFBBQ: Elle December 2013

This, dear reader, is a dress made out of scuba gear material.  I assume it is for fancy evening pool parties in which everyone gets pushed in.

All that being said, I actually like the mix of prints they chose.  The only part I really don't like is the big white area over the chest.  A cutout would look nicer and pull the whole thing together.

FASHION NEPOTISM: Elle December 2013

Rashida Jones created a fashion line that looks like it was designed by an 12 year old and created in metal shop.  Sadly, there's no prices for me to mock.  I'm pretty disappointed by that, actually.  I'm just going to assume it's ridiculously expensive for something that looks like I won it at the county fair.

HIDE & SEEK: Elle December 2013

Good luck finding this one.  They tell you about Belstaff's famous motorcycle jacket, and all the famous people who wore it, and I guess you are just supposed to imagine it because they certainly don't show it.  They also don't show Belstaff's new line that's part of their relaunch.  You just get tiny photos of their new flagship and a wee shot of Becks, who you can recognize if you squint.  You can't even see the motorcycles they say were there!  I buy magazines to see pretty pictures.  Preferably without having to pull out a magnifying glass.

OUT OF TOUCH: Elle December 2013

Alrighty, let me see if I can sum this up:  The author's grandma bought her a fur coat and she's tired of people being all passive-aggressive judgy about it.  She needs the coat because she, like many of the women in her fashion mag office, are "small" and "slender" (excellent humblebrag!) and therefore cold all the time in a way that only fur coats can help with and also many of the judgy people eat meat and should shut up and let her warm her "petite" frame in the only way that works (that would be grandma's fur coat, duh).  Yep, I think that covers the three pages of rambling justifications for wearing a coat she claims isn't even all that stylish and is falling apart due to her neglect.

OUT OF TOUCH: Elle December 2013

The fashion mag fascination with the poor and down-and-out continues.  This one was called "On the Road" and seemed to be themed with Great Depression era hobos as portrayed by 16 year old stick thin models.  Wearing fur.

WANT: Elle December 2013

What can I say - I like shiny objects!  I like that these look like packages wrapped in metal paper - so well done.  I also like the little lights they used here.

COMPLETELY RANDOM: Kim Kardashian's New Birkin

It is awful and it is huge and I cannot believe any part of this.  Not the least of which the fact that she's willing to carry it on the street.  Jezebel has the deets.

GENERAL SNARKINESS: Elle December 2013

Jellies are back.  Jellies.  High end jelly heels.  If I were buying into this trend (which I won't be), I have to say I'd go all in with the cheaper $295 pair that looks more like the jellies I remember from my childhood instead of the $1295 pair.  Traditional, and I'd be "saving" money!

I confess, I am a wee bit curious if these shoes are more comfortable that the jellies of old.  Not $295 worth of curious.  But curious to see whether the tech has advanced in some way that does not slice your toes.

WANT: Elle December 2013

Wrap this whole page up and send it to me!  The baby pink loafers are divine (love the penny detail!), the cats eye sunglasses are adorbs, and what is this, the most rare of things, a Marc Jacobs purse that I adore???

GENERAL SNARKINESS: Elle December 2013

Oh, thank goodness, more safari!  I was starting to have withdrawals.  /sarcasm

I think they are starting to have to stretch to fill whole pages of safari stuff - the Reed Krakoff ensemble in the upper right looks more like "gulag guard uniform" than "let's go shoot some elephants" to me.

GOOD ADVICES: Elle December 2013

I know it's been keeping you up at night - HOW DO I WEAR WHITE?  The actual advice isn't bad, though.  If you are going for a generally monochromatic look, different textures takes it to whole 'nother level.  Slightly different shades of the same color has the same effect.

WANT: Elle December 2013

This iPod accessory appeals to me due to my dual love of cats and art deco.  So I'm pretty sold, despite the fact that I have no idea what it actually does and I haven't yet found it anywhere online.  Maybe your iPod goes inside?  Or it holds your headphones?  I don't know, and yet I'm still fairly sure I need it.

TIS THE SEASON: Marie Claire December 2013

I love this whole page, and not just because they lured me in with a Russian palace and the word "baroque."  Who doesn't need a Sgt Pepper's coat and a $2500 Chanel book set?

And this little clutch would coordinate with that lovely Balmain dress in the first photo!  Sometimes I amaze myself with my accessorizing skillz!  ;)

This brings us to the end of the 2013 gift guides.  For those wondering what I scored for Xmas, I gave in to the reptile trend and snagged this Michael Kors:

As you can see, it has already been wiener dog approved!

TIS THE SEASON: Marie Claire December 2013

Happy Christmas to all, and to all one more gift guide to peruse!

First of all, the "secret garden" theme includes a $1990 Hasselblad camera with a wood handle, and a $785 tent that looks like a shed.  I do love the "I Will Survive" pot - with my black thumb plants need all the help they can get!

For those who loved the Coach Scrabble game, we have a $2715 backgammon set!  It is a very pretty one, I confess, but I'm a sucker for peacock feathers.

Speaking of play, here's what they recommend picking up for your sporty friends: a $1495 Phillip Lim jacket to pair with the $198 pants and $1450 reptile boxing gloves.

Finally, we've got a $3625 Chanel flask to drink from while we read our $59.95 copies of Kerouac's "On the Road."  This is all supposed to be a "safari" theme, btw.  Jack would be amused, methinks.

TIS THE SEASON: Harper's Bazaar Dec 2013/Jan 2014

Apparently I am a "Downtown Girl" cuz it's like this whole page (and whole lot of the magazine, which we'll get to in another week or so) are for me since black is my signature color!

Oddly enough, the shiny silver loafers make me particularly nostalgic.  My mother had a similar pair (no black paint splashes) in the late 80's, and as soon as my young feet grew close to fitting them, I stole 'em!  I loved those silly shoes, and hated to give 'em up when my shoe size passed hers up and she took 'em back.  I'd forgotten about that early fashion-forward moment until I saw this pair here...ah...memories...

TIS THE SEASON: Harper's Bazaar Dec 2013/Jan2014

Now we get into the real luxury.  (The last post was just semi-luxe.)  Here's Iman's list, which features her first gift from her husband (that would be David Bowie):  a black crocodile Birkin.  Hermes doesn't release a price list (since they are custom made, plus they like the publicity), but the cheapest resale online for a black croc Birkin that I could find was $48,000.  Gee, I hope I don't get more than one of those this Christmas, because with no Hermes store in town returning one will be a hassle.

The best part, though, is what she's going to be sending her friends.  Apparently they will either get pillows from her Macy's collection (which she gets for free one assumes, particularly after plugging them in this article) or $22 cookie tins.  I hope she delivers them while carrying her $48,000 Birkin!

Also, note that Iman and David Bowie's daughter wants Docs.  She is so on trend.

Other super-luxe items Bazaar proposes you put in someone's stocking:  an $18,000 Wegman portrait of your dog, a $56,800 "bespoke" perfume (5 year supply), and a $14,300 hamburger cooked in your very own home.  Please circle which one you want, and I'll get right on that!

TIS THE SEASON: Harper's Bazaar Dec 2013/Jan 2014

The Olsen twins skinned tribbles and made them into purses.  Which explains why it costs $2900 - it's a steal when you factor in the expense of space travel!  You can also get your own red shirt (sweater) to wear with it for a mere $265!

Yesterday's $195 Hermes headphone cord reel makes these $1425 boots look like an excellent deal!  (And I like 'em, are you reading this, Santa?)  Board game fans, Coach has your back with Scrabble for the low low price of $698.  My fave, though, is the Chanel skis for $4275 - the logo is right there for me to gaze upon as I take to the slopes!

TIS THE SEASON: Elle December 2013

Now for the good stuff!  This sleep set is a bit on the pricey side, I admit, but look at how adorbs!

I was so so tempted to get this coloring book for my goddaughter, but decided to postpone to next year.  That will give me time to lure her away from tea parties and into shopping trips, so she'll appreciate it!

The Jonathan Adler "No Wire Hangers" pillow...nuff said.

And as a music lover, I adore the "audio clutch" stereo on the go!

TIS THE SEASON: Elle December 2013

It's almost Christmas, so it's time to check out the annual holiday gift guides!  I did Vogue's early, and now I'm back will Elle's.

A small piece of orange leather to wrap your headphone cord around:  $195 when it's Hermes orange!  Perfect stocking stuffer, right?  Also, who can live without Saint Laurent roller skates for a mere $1150?

But nothing compares to an angry ginger man keychain from Fendi (real fur, to be sure!) for the low low price of $580!  Honestly they'd have to pay me more than that to carry that thing...

MADAME RECOMMENDS: L'Oreal Triple Resist & Total Repair Hair Products

I bring you good tidings of great joy!  It's been great joy to me, at least.  L'Oreal has released the hair products my stylist uses to the masses.  Not only are they mass producing 'em, everything's under $10!

I use L'Oreal Triple Resist Shampoo & Conditioner on weekdays.  It protects my color, helps with breakage, and my hair is SO SOFT.  It's like leaving the salon every morning.

On weekends, I use L'Oreal Total Repair 5 Damage-Erasing Balm instead of the conditioner.  This makes my hair EVEN SOFTER.

All of the products are super awesome, while at the same time being super double plus cheap - it's win-win!

OUT OF TOUCH: Marie Claire November 2013

"Catching Fire" was obviously going to be one of the big movies of the holiday season, and everyone wanted a piece.  Hence why we had the Vogue headline for an article about rich ladies fasting to lose weight, and why we have this as well.  I have no idea if any of these writers and editors have read the book series, but if they have they certainly didn't get it.

Let's take a closer look at this here guide:

• Find a great stylist (who ends up being beaten to death for how he dresses you)
• Listen to lushes (who drink because of their overwhelming, untreated PTSD)
• Live sustainably (when your other choice was starving to death along with your family)
• Be inclusive (by befriending "misfits" so you can use them for their skills)
• Don't play by the rules (by picking the right time to put poison berries in your mouth...on a date)

Gee, all this sounds great!  Let's get to living just like Katniss!

BACKSTORY: Marie Claire November 2013

This isn't so much about what's on the pages as much as it shows big fashion stereotypes.  The Italians wear lots of crazy prints!

The Russians wear bright colors with an Eastern European twist!

But the last one is the one that made me laugh - check out the French!

GOOD ADVICES: Marie Claire November 2013

This whole page is full of good tips for taking professional photos.  Best of:  find some good lighting, keep the clothes simple, keep the poses, expressions and makeup natural, and most importantly look like yourself.  When you walk into a job interview, you want them to know they are talking to the same person they saw online.

HIDE & SEEK: Marie Claire November 2013

Quick, find the bikini and the earrings!  Now find the chair!  This is such a jumble.  It looks like a middle school project - poorly cut out and then jammed together.  They could've summed this up by saying Nina Garcia likes paisley and those silly witch heels every mag has been showing the past few months.

LET'S TALK ISSUES: Marie Claire November 2013

First of all, let me say that it's great Marie Claire features a page every month dedicated to plus-size fashion.  They are the only ones, and while it's a token page, it's something.  All of the clothes on this page are available in plus-sizes, and they list the sizes they go up to.

Here's the problem:  If you look at the photos of the clothes themselves, the only one that not straight-size is the dress from Lane Bryant which is only available in plus-size.  In other words, if they could get something smaller than plus-size to show, they did.  Plus-size girls are expected to look at straight-size clothes and imagine themselves in them, I guess.  Even on their one token page, larger women have to look at the same size zeros that are everywhere else in the magazine.

REDONKULOUS SHOES: Marie Claire November 2013

Platform loafers.  Platform.  Loafers.  To be worn with your tropical prints.  Obviously.

My head hurts.

COMPLETELY RANDOM: Disney World 2013

Several years ago, Disney started selling more expensive clothes under a "Disney Couture" line.  I didn't really see any of that in the parks this time (Downtown Disney probably has some of it still - I didn't have time to get over there), but I did see these two tshirts that seem like an homage to fashion design sketches:

I didn't pick up either of those shirts (I went more vintage-y with my tshirt purchases), but look what I did find in Epcot's Morocco section:

It's not exactly that snake necklace I was considering trying to make, but it is pretty awesome!  Now I just need a whole new outfit to wear it with...

Best outfit seen in the parks:  I saw a Minnie Mouse ears headband with the requisite red-with-white-polka-dots bow paired with a solid navy shirt and navy pants with red polka dots.  Absolutely adorable.

Worst trend:  Small children in skinny jeans.  Toddlers don't need jeggings to accentuate their curves.  Five year old boys aren't old enough to choose to be hipsters.  What happened to kids wearing clothes they can run around and play in?

GENERAL SNARKINESS: Marie Claire November 2013

One of my big complaints about fashion mags is that they will book a celebrity for a cover shoot, then Photoshop them into unrecognizability thus defeating the purpose of booking a famous face (to increase newstand purchases).  This isn't a cover, but I still had no idea who it was despite having seen every episode of "The Vampire Diaries" and "The Originals," the two shows she's known for.

Hitting the pause button...

I'm stepping away from the computer for a few days while I'm on holiday.  I'll be back late in the week.  In the meantime, go watch this past week's episode of "South Park" called "The Hobbit."  It's a commentary on the use of Photoshop in the media and how this influences viewers, and I found it pretty brutal in the end.  It will definitely give you something to think about.

TRENDY: Marie Claire November 2013

Tim Gunn is the gay father I never had, and I trust him implicitly, but I'm not convinced I can mix prints like this.  It makes sense to stick the same color scheme and similar textures, so I'll keep that in mind, but for now I guess I'm just not that brave.

ADD IT UP: Marie Claire November 2013

So the deal with this monthly feature is that the full photo of designer clothes is the "splurge" and all of the options shown are supposed to be "steals."  In this example, the Alexander Wang outfit is a $3255 "splurge."  The minimum "steal" costs $347.49 while the maximum "steal" would set you back $1528.75.  The good news is that I think the minimum "steal" makes for the cutest outfit, so hey, go for it! 

WANT: Marie Claire November 2013

Classic shoe with a literal twist - I love it!

GENERAL SNARKINESS: Marie Claire November 2013

This is a gorgeous photo - of a $4900 granny purse that you can't store anything inside, as evidenced by how large butterflies are free to escape it.  Per the text below, you are now supposed to want "top handle bags" from seeing this.  Personally, it just made me want to visit the butterfly garden at the zoo again.

GENERAL SNARKINESS: Marie Claire November 2013

If you aren't willing to bear your midriff to look like cover girl Natalie Portman, you can wear a "Weird Science" computerized chick torso on a minidress instead!

COVER UNCOVERED: Marie Claire November 2013

Let's see what choices they offer for work clothes...  First, we have crazy prints in blue that in general have some kind of lines or stripes:

I confess, I now suddenly feel like I need a ring that tells me the days of the week.

Our other option is camel.  Solid camel.

Neither of these are bad, necessarily, though I think solid camel is rather boring.  Unfortunately, there's no instructions here for actually dressing at work.  No advice.  No new ideas.  When a fashion mag says they are going to "rock my career" I guess I just expect more than two pages on fashion (and 23 of NYC fashion entrepreneurs I've never heard of telling me to "follow my dreams").