ICONOGRAPHY: Harper's Bazaar February 2014

Bazaar had a great little feature on Diane von Furstenburg, a woman I adore and aspire to be like.  Check out the gams on the inventor of the wrap dress:

But she's always had the gams, as you can see from way back in the Studio 54 days...

Inspiration to Tom Ford, "American Horror Story" character Myrtle Snow, and me.

WANT: Harper's Bazaar February 2014

It's good to be in your 30's this month where Bazaar is concerned - that age definitely got the best stuff!  Everything on this page is allowed entry into my closet, except for those Tommy Hilfiger platform athletic slides, which...huh?

GENERAL SNARKINESS: Harper's Bazaar February 2014

A couple of repeats from other mags, where we can get a better look at the pieces.  This one's a paparazzi's flasher dream.  I'm intrigued by the shoes they paired with this - perfect color, but held together with white shoelaces?

And here's those Celine bracelets that from afar looked like a 5 year old made them out of paper.  I guess they look more metallic up close, but still rather silly.  Especially for $1500 apiece.  I also love that there's a $2100 Celine top listed for this photo that you cannot see!

GOOD JOB: Harper's Bazaar February 2014

Bazaar published an entire art-themed section this month, and this homage to a classic Vogue spread was their only slam-dunk.  Still, it's fun, especially in combination with Prada's crazy dresses and bracelets from this season (already extensively covered here)!

GOOD JOB: Harper's Bazaar February 2014

Now this is a good orange lipstick.  Still maybe a bit more trendy than some folks would like, but infinitely more wearable than last week's orange lipstick.  Also plays unbelievably well with this model's eyes - just wow.

COMPLETELY RANDOM: Rodarte & Peter Pilotto

This week is New York Fashion week, and Rodarte closed their show with a whole series of Star Wars dresses.  You can see more here.  I am crossing my fingers and toes that the Mulleavy sisters convince Natalie Portman (they did the "Black Swan" costumes and her Oscars dress) to wear one!

This week also brought us the latest Target designer line:  Peter Pilotto.  I'm not familiar with this line, so I can't compare what they've done with Target to their usual stuff.  It's a youthful line with a lot of fun prints, and the best piece IMHO is this dress (which sadly seems sold out online).  Since crazy prints are on trend right now, you can't really go wrong with it!  Check out the rest on the Target site.

One more tidbit: Crazy unicorn heels!

REDONKULOUS SHOES: Harper's Bazaar February 2014

And the winner of most fugly insane pair of shoes in this month's Bazaar is...this pair from Dolce & Gabbana!  They look like someone bought everything gold out of the clearance bin at Michael's and hot-glued it to some spray-painted platforms.  For shame, D&G.  For shame.

REDONKULOUS SHOES: Harper's Bazaar February 2014

You can charge $1395 for red reptile platform heels, Proenza Schouler, but they will still look like they came out of the Hot Topic clearance bin.  Also, I have no idea what's going on at the toes - it looks like it covers your big toe but leaves your pinkie toe hanging out?

WANT: Harper's Bazaar February 2014

A new category of stripes I need to acquire - sporty!  And in my signature colors!  *swoons*

GENERAL SNARKINESS: Harper's Bazaar February 2014

This is Bazaar's fashion horror story:  "We are in Bazaar's storied fashion closet, the place where women's dreams live.  But mine are dying.  We're standing in front of a shelf filled with...flats.  Which I am supposed to, in theory, put on my feet."  Dun dun DUN!!!

I have to say, in a business where everything changes season to season on purpose to sell more goods, I have never seen people freak out more about anything in my lifetime than trading in their heels for flats.  They aren't attached at all to a skirt or sleeve length or a type of pant leg, but heaven forfend they have to give up the 6 inch stilts they've gotten used to tottering around on!

I read this to the end so you don't have to:  She somehow survives "even though the ground is closer than it should be," and realizes that flats are acceptable for wearing around hotels.

GOOD JOB: Harper's Bazaar February 2014

Sometimes, when they show you how to "get the look," the look they show is even better.  Both looks are great, but the Bazaar version is just perfect.  Mind you, perfect doesn't come cheap ($4800), but how awesome it would be!

WANT: Harper's Bazaar February 2014

As I've mentioned before, Marc Jacobs has departed from Louis Vuitton and I have to say he went out classy.  This modern take on the classic LV "Noe" bag is perfect in every way.  If only I could move the decimal over one or two spots on that price tag...

Fun fact:  The original "Noe" design was at the top of my LV shopping list, but I bought another bucket bag instead that looked more modern but still had the classic monogram.

Speaking of Marc Jacobs, here's a quote from him that made me laugh since I tell everyone "sprinkles" is my favorite flavor of donut.  Maybe we'd get along better than I thought!

GENERAL SNARKINESS: Harper's Bazaar February 2014

And now the page everyone looks forward to in Bazaar - this month's "Outs"!  I'm sorry to tell you ladies (and a few gents), but you are going to have to give up your plastic stripper heels.  Bazaar has spoken, and you cannot go against it.  Also, sorry Carrie from SATC, but you have to ditch your famous necklace.

In case you were curious about the rest of the page, we've gone from "safari" to "tribal."  Great.

COMPLETELY RANDOM: Harper's Bazaar February 2014

If you have burning questions for famous fashion designers, apparently you should head on over to Bazaar's Facebook page.  I'm assuming they've already gotten buy-in from everyone pictured to steal Reddit's thunder.

Also, I would kill for a poster-sized version of this because I think Choupette may be my spirit animal:

TRENDY: Harper's Bazaar February 2014

As I mentioned before, I'm loving some of the awesome experiments in heel design that I'm seeing.  This Chloe shoe is gorgeous, though I'm not sure if I wouldn't fall off of it.

After all my carrying on about the fugly birkenstock trend that Celine apparently started, I have to give that fashion house credit for this pair.  Love it!

This isn't part of the shoe trend, obviously, but this issue of Bazaar is focused on accessories, and I thought I'd toss in something for my steam punk fans.  Love the spot color with gold and blue, it's perfect.

WANT: Lucky February 2014

Love these duo-tone slide heels!  Such a neat look, different from anything I've seen in recent memory, and in neutral colors you can dress up or down with.

GENERAL SNARKINESS: Lucky February 2014

This is Lucky's idea of "provocative" decor, with the "suggestive" framed photo.  The "rebelliousness" of this actress-screenwriter I've never heard of is further proven by this:

I bet she wears her Alexander McQueen skull scarf everywhere she goes!

But Lucky buries the lede on the decor of this house so far, they don't even mention it.  This is rebellious unknown actress/screenwriter's dining room:

Not a single word is mentioned about the fact that she has two taxidermied flamingos in her hot pink dining room.  The one element that's truly crazy and "wild," and not a peep.  I mean, where do you even get stuffed flamingos?

OUT OF TOUCH: Lucky February 2014

Again, as this issue of Lucky demonstrates, I don't think "affordable" means what fashion mags think it means.  This really just shows how skewed their world is.  $206 sweatshirts.  $185 crop tops.  $295 pants.  The "surprise" here is that Lucky thinks this stuff is cheap.

WANT: Lucky February 2014

It's rare to find something that would make me darken the door of a Forever 21, but these heels might lure me inside!  I'm also intrigued by the belted scarf idea.  Gonna have to ponder that one.

ADD IT UP: Lucky February 2014

One of the things I dislike about the "get the look for under $###" features in the fashion magazines is that the dollar amount is for each piece.  So if everything they show is under $500, as it is in this particular feature, and they show five things to get the look, you are out $2500.  In other words, they are pitching this as them showing what women on a budget can buy, but that budget is still way beyond what anyone I know would regard as "affordable."

So I flip to the next page, and I see this:

And I'm like, holy crap, that little Chanel bag is under $500???

As you can see, Lucky couldn't manage to follow their own rules, which I find insulting to the reader.  They had to put very expensive label in there somewhere, there was nothing else that would work.  /sarcasm

The bag is 3x their maximum for the entire February issue, making this workout ensemble total up to $2095.  Minus the bag, it's still $645, which is more than I'd spend on things I intend to sweat in.

GOOD JOB: Lucky February 2014

Most makeup stories are rather boring - there's only so much innovation on a month-to-month basis in something that's been around for millennia.  The story about the birds at the mascara party eclipses the mascara itself, but it's memorable, entertaining, and actually got me to read to the end.  Go Lucky!

JUST NO: Lucky February 2014

I told you this issue of Lucky has just got "no" all over it!  This woman is wearing the definition of mom jeans.  They make her look short-waisted and frumpy.  This does not make me think I should rush out to my local thrift store.  It does, however, make me question her judgment and stylist abilities.  I think they tried to save this look with the shoes, but they look entirely out of place rather than pulling the look together or kicking it up a notch.

My favorite part, though, is that she's shown in both photos (the second being a classic "thrift" It girl look) wearing denim, with the pull quote saying finding good denim in thrift stores is hard.  Too hard even for the expert, apparently!

GENERAL SNARKINESS: Lucky February 2014

Lucky helpfully shows you how to wear polka dots, and how not to wear polka dots!  Naomi looks good in the "vintage shot" (though those are PJ's and I'm still officially against wearing PJ's out).  The middle two outfits are perfect, mixing the dots with neutral textures and accent colors.  The outfit to the right is the "not" - don't mix two polka dots together to comprise the entire ensemble.  One or the other would be fine with a neutral (except the pants could use a hemming), but both together is just way too much look.

Also on the page, a shoe from Sarah Jessica Parker's line, if you care about that.  It's not exactly original, but it's very wearable and I appreciate that.

JUST NO: Lucky February 2014

This issue of Lucky is just filled to the brim with no.  There's even more no coming later.  In this instance of no, please do not wear bright orange lipstick.  Wear orange elsewhere, if you like, but not on your lips because if it makes models look silly it will do the same to you.

JUST NO: Lucky February 2014

The entire "Weekend Dressing" section is all messed up.  First of all, there's skinny "statement" overalls that don't even fit the model properly.  No one has been waiting for overalls to come back.  No one.

Cute shirt with cute sweater on top.  Cute shoes.  Track pants ruining the whole darn thing.  It's like she just gave up halfway through dressing.

A hat that doesn't fit her head, a peasant blouse, and chinos that look like more track pants.  I can only assume this poor young woman was struck blind right as she walked into her closet.  This is not a "sweet" look - it's the look of someone trying to wear three trendy things at once.  The rule is one trendy thing to serve as a conversation piece.

GENERAL SNARKINESS: Lucky February 2014

Here's a "tell" that shows Zoe Saldana had nothing to do with choosing her own "favorite" things:  the mag informs you that she liked that shirt on the right "so much she kept it."  I guess it's a new favorite.

This issue of Lucky is all about stuff under $500, and I like that all of this stuff together is below that.  I just have serious doubts Zoe had any idea what she "picked."

GOOD ADVICES: Lucky February 2014

I don't really have any experience with "raw" denim (sounds uncomfortable), but this answer touches on a long term debate amongst jean aficionados.  Yes, you can wash denim.  If you are like me, you'll stain them (I'm not very talented at eating or drinking).  Eventually they will start to smell.  Washing denim is inevitable.  Washing carefully is the key to preserving your jeans:  turn each pair inside out before you put them in the washer, wash in cold, and I recommend using dark wash detergent.  Please wash your jeans!

WANT: Lucky February 2014

DVF isn't just the home of the wrap dress, they also put out great shoes.  I have fallen in love these bootie heels with the leather "lace" up, though I don't think I'd wear them to a real rock show.  Things get stompy there, you know, and I like my tootsies unbroken.

COMPLETELY RANDOM: Superbowl Sunday Edition Lucky February 2014

A toast to all of us clothes horses:  May our "fashion touchdowns" be plentiful and wondrous during the coming year!

MADAME RECOMMENDS: Levi's Denizen Jeans at Target

I spent a couple years trying to find skinny jeans that fit my curvy figure and didn't cut off circulation to my feet, and had very little luck until I found Levi's Denizen jeans at Target!  So far, their sizing has been consistent, their stretch has been just right, the quality has been good (I still wear that first pair), and they have the dark wash colors I'm always on the lookout for.  They are available up to size 18 and pretty affordable ($27.99).

I'm not saying these are going to be perfect for everyone, but I am going to say they represent a lesson for everyone.  I had never heard of this "Denizen" brand, and regular Levi's don't usually fit me right.  But I make it a practice to try on brands I don't know, just in case, and this time it worked out so well I made a note and went back for more.  So that's the lesson - try on new brands, and keep trying on new ones even if most don't work out.  Because one will, and then you'll know where to go back to!

GENERAL SNARKINESS: Elle January 2014

I was not kidding when I said everything from this season's Prada has the stupid bra thing.  The lucky ensembles have it as a separate accessory.  Sadly, this dress was not so lucky.

I have to say I love the colors, though, and the shoes are perfect!

ADD IT UP: Elle January 2014

Everyone will obviously be lining up to buy this $2450 leather garbage bag.  Why on earth would Alexander Wang take fashion cues from Bradley Cooper's character in "Silver Linings Playbook"?

GENERAL SNARKINESS: Elle January 2014

Elle is trying to make "LWS" happen.  I think it has less of a chance than "fetch" does.  But they don't have much of a chance when they use photos like this:

If you squint, you might see a hint of white below her neck.  In other words, it's not showing what the entire spread is supposed to be about, which is white shirts.  It's a great photo - with positioning and the black leather and the cross earring I'm getting George Michael flashbacks - and I understand why they wanted to include it.  I'm assuming this was the favorite of the fashion editor, and I admire the gumption of including it even as I mock it for even being in this spread in the first place.